Butterflies, Desert and Going ALL The Way
Pain is forgettable is what they say. While it does get easier to reflect and remember as years pass, taking moments to feel and share the memories is a pain I don't ever want to fully disappear. I hope ALL those tears of joy, laughter, remembrance and missing someone will be shared with loved ones, friends, and future grandkids for generations.
This past week, I had the opportunity to visit the site of where we spread my Moms ashes 5 years ago to celebrate her passing and also her life. I made this climb on the one year anniversary and this was my first trip back since. I was both excited and anxious to share this part of me with my new wife. She had never met my mom but had heard a variety of partial stories of my childhood.
It’s amazing how being in a certain place can bring back a flood of memories.
As we hiked up the mountain in Catalina State Park the feelings, stories, and memories came back to me in full force. My Mom was an amazing woman that carried with her a tremendous amount of guilt from her own childhood and also her life that truly lead to her death. She was constantly reading self help books about finding your purpose, your inner peace, and healing internal wounds. Every time I went out there she put on a big smile, and told me how good her life was and how content she was.
I found out years later that all of that was really a lie.
She was living in pain and rather than reach out for help and support, she buried it. When people would try to get close she would push them away worried that they would find something in her to hate. As a result she protected herself endlessly and self medicated with wine.
As my wife and I climbed I let those past thoughts go.
My daughters and wife had all written letters to my mom which we read at the site and then we shared my favorite dessert (fruit tart) that my mom made for each of my birthdays in all the years that she was alive.
The tears began to flow as I released the anger and resentment about her life ending way too soon and instead reflected on all the gifts that she had bestowed on me. Gifts that now helped me carry forward and make a difference in the people around me.
And just like four years before, the butterflies (my moms favorite) started to come out of nowhere.
They followed us up the path leading away from the site and guiding us back down. Once we made it back to my moms special resting place we saw one last beautiful butterfly which greeted us both slowly and purposefully before flying away.
We didn’t quite make it to the very top where my mom and I had hiked one time many years ago, and I couldn’t help but laugh at the text she had sent me after that full day hike.
“Thanks for taking me ALL the way.”
It was a hike I will never forget and a memory I will cherish always.
